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My Church, My Family

What Do You Do When ANGER Gets the Upper Hand

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Introduction: The Myth of Losing Control

“No, I can’t control my temper!”

But you can.

“I can’t.”

Can.

“Can’t.”

Can.

“Then tell me how!”

Certainly, that’s what I wanted you to ask in the first place. Like many others, you have bought the false line that under certain circumstances you are totally unable to control your temper. That is false, I say, because the Bible assures us that if you know Jesus Christ as your Savior, you can. God calls upon you to do just that:

“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but the wise man, holding it back quiets it” (Proverbs 29:11).

“But that’s just my problem; I can’t hold it back and quiet it.”

When you say can’t, what you really mean is you don’t or won’t. You may have convinced yourself that you can’t, but that doesn’t change the facts. You can; God says so.

The Reality of Anger Control

“Well, if you knew how hard it is for me to do so, I think that you might change your mind. You don’t know how many times I have tried to hold it back, but in the end, I blow off anyway. You don’t know the situation.”

I think I do, and I still maintain that can’t is the wrong word to describe the situation. Take Joan, for example. She complained that she lost her temper whenever she became exasperated with her children, and the frequency of those occasions was increasing. At times she blew off like Mt. Vesuvius. Ashes and sparks went everywhere. Well, Joan. . .

“I can identify with Joan!”

Good, I thought that you could, because when she came for counseling, she too said that she thought it was impossible to restrain her anger. She argued with me much the same way that you have. Then I said “Joan, let me describe a typical situation, and then tell me if it fits.

Suppose it is late in the afternoon on a rainy day when everything has gone wrong. You got your period today, the pot boiled over on the stove, your three preschoolers have been cooped up inside all day long, and. . . (well, you fill in the additional details). Now, let us further suppose that the kids get into a scrap complete with fistfights, whining and all of the rest for the umpteenth time. You have tried, but this is it, you restrain your anger no longer. Instead, over some slight provocation, in a burst of volcanic activity, you erupt. Lava-like, words pour out. Fire and ash spout forth in all directions. Debris is everywhere. Kids are diving under tables, hiding in closets. It is a real spectacular. Now, in the midst of all of this, the phone rings. On the other end is Mrs. Green, head of the local gossip society. She is the very last person that you would want to hear you carrying on like this. So… what do you do? Well, you sweetly say to her ‘Oh, hello, Mrs. Green, it is so nice to hear from you… etc.’ What have you done? Controlled your temper!” At this point Joan broke in: “That very thing happened just last week.”

“It has happened to me too.”

Well, then, you see, both Joan and you can control your temper when you really want to, when you are highly enough motivated to do so, and when you make a strong effort of the right sort. The problem is that you have learned not to bother to control your temper in certain circumstances with certain persons. But you have learned to control your temper in situations where you thought that you could not get away with such outbursts.

“I guess you are right.”

Learned Behavior and Its Implications

This little vignette illustrates an all-too-common problem. Men and women — truly Christian men and women — learn to let go of their temper in the presence of members of the family, even though they have learned to control them before others. Husbands who give their wives severe tongue-lashings at least fort-nightly become even tempered sweetness and light personified at work and in dozens of social situations. The reason, of course, is that (as the italics indicate) they have learned to do either one or the other. And, because this is a matter of learned behavior, there is hope for change. What has been learned can be unlearned, as a new way of responding that is pleasing to God is relearned to take its place. Moreover, the fact that you have learned to control your temper in any situation at all shows that you can learn to do so. That means that you can learn to do so at home.

Isn’t it strange, businessman, that you think it more important to control your temper with your boss than with your wife? “But I would lose my job if I lost my temper at work,” you may protest. Exactly. You probably would. But you see, reasoning that way only shows how poorly you conceive of life’s priorities. Because the money that you make at your job is a more tangible, immediate reality, you therefore give the job higher priority. Yet, your relationship to your wife and to the Lord is a far higher priority. You are damaging those relationships too. Because God and your wife love you, you think that you can get away with abusing them both with your language. But you can’t. Your fellowship with both is hindered. God has written:

“Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them” (Colossians 3:19).

Uncontrolled temper is never acceptable. It is sin. It is sin in the home as well as anywhere else. The fact that your wife puts up with you longer than your boss, does not change the truth of that judgment. So, if it is sin, it must stop. And, as we have seen, it can be stopped. God Himself has said that He will help you to

“put away all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor” (Ephesians 4:31).

Sinful Expressions of Anger

“How? I have tried everything, but nothing has worked.”

Well, it is clear that you have not tried everything; you have not tried God’s way. It never fails. Before we get to the ways and means of putting off sinful patterns of manifesting your anger that are clearly set forth in the Bible, let us look at the other way in which many people sinfully handle their anger. Instead of blowing off, they clam up. They do a slow burn. They hold it in and allow it to pile up and to crystallize. They grow bitter and resentful, day after day rehearsing old grievances, licking old wounds. When the Bible speaks of holding back anger, it does not suggest clamming up and becoming resentful as the alternative. Holding back a sinful expression of anger differs from holding it in. Indeed, holding it in is the other sinful extreme which also is condemned by God:

“Be angry, but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26).

The answer to loss of control of temper is not resentment, just as the answer to resentment can never be flying off the handle. The person who holds in his anger and stores it up, sins just as surely as the one who does the Mt. Vesuvius.

Biblical Perspective on Anger

“What then is the solution to the problem of sinful anger? On the one hand you say that the Bible condemns the ventilation of anger, but on the other hand you insist that anger must not be held in. Doesn’t that leave us with only one conclusion — that it is always sinful to be angry at all?”

No, that is not the only way to go. While it is true that both of the manifestations of anger that we have talked about are condemned by the Bible, it does not follow that all anger is sinful. Indeed, in the passage just cited from Ephesians 4:26, notice that Paul says we must not sin when we are angry by clamming up and letting the sun go down on that anger. It is clear from the words, “be angry, but do not sin” that all anger is not sinful in and of itself.

Anger, like every other emotion that God has given us, is a proper and useful emotion when it is expressed in a manner that is consistent with the principles of the Scriptures and used for the purposes that God has set forth in that Book. As a matter of fact, that anger may even reflect the anger of God Himself under such circumstances. Verses like Psalm 7:11 (God is “angry with the wicked every day”) and Mark 3:5 (Jesus “looking around at them with anger” ) give us a certain indication that there is such a thing as righteous anger.

Let us try to understand what is wrong with the two sorts of anger that God condemns and what the biblical alternative to such manifestations of anger is. First notice, neither one of the alternatives examined so far solves any problems. Both, instead, create new and worse ones. Anger is a powerful motivating force that is intended to drive one to destroy something. But, the difficulty is, God has not given us the right to destroy other people or to destroy our own bodies.

Ventilation of anger is aimed at destroying others (or handy and symbolic objects around one). Internalization (unintentionally, but nevertheless, surely) is aimed at destroying ourselves. Blowing up at people and things, as one vents his spleen, truly releases the energies of anger, but in ways that do not really solve the problem that occasioned the anger in the first place. Instead, these energies released out of control and in ways calculated to hurt others, only do more damage.

Clamming up, holding anger in, releases the energies of anger within one’s body. These energies, intended to motivate one to do the right sorts of things to solve the problem that occasioned the anger, instead are misdirected toward one’s own body and result in tension, colitis, ulcers or other such miseries.

Diagrammatically, let me try to show you how these actions fail to achieve the purposes for which God put anger into man’s emotional makeup.

http://www.ibcd.org/images/ajdams1.gif

Notice how the energies mobilized by anger are misdirected. While in both instances they are released, these powerful energies fail to meet the problem. In contrast, listen to the important words of Ephesians 4:29:

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for building up, aimed at the problem that has arisen, that it may give help to those who hear [my own translation].

You see, our words to others — even when they have wronged us — must be words that build them up and that give them help; never words that destroy them. Such destruction of others is a prerogative that belongs not to us, but to God (read Romans 12:18-21). But of greater importance for our present discussion is the fact that the words spoken out of anger (and that is what the context is talking about) must be directed toward destroying the problem, not toward destroying the person.

Psychiatrists and others sometimes make the mistake of recommending pendulum thinking and acting. If someone has been holding in anger, they may recommend ventilating it towards others, toward a pillow symbolizing others, etc. But this is wrong, biblically. It fails, because even though the energy is released in a new way, the new way is out of accord with God’s Word and therefore just as wrong, as wasteful and as counterproductive as the first. It is a matter of exchanging one sinful pattern for another. Moreover, you can see how this type of swing still leaves the problem untouched.

In pursuing either of these pendulum swings, as you arc from one extreme to the other, you move past the biblical middle and fail to release the energies mobilized by anger in a constructive way that will destroy the problem and strengthen the relationship one has with others, and with God.

The Solution to Sinful Anger

Now, in contrast to both of these schemes, let us look at the biblical alternative: Aim all of your energies at solving the problem God’s way.

If your problem has been ventilation, outbursts of temper, blowing up (Diagram1230 A), rather than swinging past the biblical middle over toward Internalization, you must ask God to help you to hold back rather than hold in your anger. That is, you must learn how to release anger under control.

If your problem has been internalization, holding anger in, clamming up (Diagram B), rather than swinging past the biblical middle over toward Ventilation, you must ask God to help you to release rather than hold in your anger. That is, you must learn how to release anger under control. When you do, the diagram will look something like this:

Only in this way can you gain control of this powerful and important force in your life. Anger, like a good horse, must be bridled. By his grace, God will help you to gain control of your anger so that you may use it for His honor if you try to follow the biblical directions about anger taught in these Scriptures. You do not have to make the change in your own strength, because as you prayerfully seek to follow the guidance of the Bible, the Spirit of God will enable you to do so. That you can depend upon if…

“I thought that there must be a catch somewhere.”

Becoming a Christian

Yes, there is one, but only one. All this God promises to you IF YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN, but the promise is not yours if you are not. A Christian is someone who has learned that he is a sinner condemned before God because he has broken the laws of God. He has discovered that he cannot do anything about this himself, but he has come to see that God has done for him all that he could not do. Christ came to die in his place, taking the punishment for his sins. Thus, He has paid the penalty for the broken laws. Moreover, because God is sinless and because heaven is a perfectly holy place, Jesus has lived a perfect life in his stead. Just as all of his sin was taken upon Christ as his Substitute, so all of the righteousness of Christ has been counted as his. And all of this took place when he understood this message and believed it (that is, put his dependence upon what Christ did for him in His death and resurrection). The very moment that he believed, his sins were forgiven and he was declared holy in the sight of God. That is what a Christian is.

Let me ask you, are you a Christian? If you are not, then let me urge you not to try to deal with the problem of anger first. Put first things first. Take a hard look at your life, recognize your sin (the anger is a good place to begin) and your need of a Savior. If God is showing you this, then trust Jesus right now.

Conclusion and Further Resources

Christian, while the basic dynamic for handling anger God’s way has been spelled out for you, it is likely that you may need help in restructuring the particulars in your own situation. If so, seek the counsel of the person who gave this pamphlet to you, write to the contact point listed below or read, Chapter 31 of The Christian Counselor’s Manual by Jay Adams.

In addition to the above pamphlet on anger, Dr. Adams has written other helpful pamphlets including

·What do you do when you worry all the time?
·What do you do when your marriage goes sour?
·What do you do when you know that you’re hooked?
·What do you do when fear overcomes you?
·What do you do when you become depressed?

These titles may be purchased at your local Christian bookstore.

Copyright 1975 by Jay F. Adams, The Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., Box 817, Phillipsburg, New Jersey 08865.

ISBN: 0-87552-044-8

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My Church, My Family

3 Friendship, Dating, And Marriage

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Who Of Dating

Summary

The article discusses the principles of dating from a Christian perspective, emphasizing the importance of selecting a partner who exemplifies the fruit of the Holy Spirit. It encourages individuals to consider various factors such as cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds, shared interests, and the fulfillment of biblical roles in relationships. The author addresses common objections to dating only Christians, advocating for the idea that true fulfillment comes from a relationship with Christ rather than from another person. The article also highlights the significance of being the right person while seeking a partner and the necessity of engaging in Christian community activities to meet potential mates.

Here is a list of questions this lesson will answer:

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Study Guide

Outline:

I.Introduction
A.Importance of dating principles
B.Christian perspective on relationships
II.Key Considerations in Partner Selection
A.Biblical roles and ministry effectiveness
B.Cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds
C.Shared interests and hobbies
III.Common Objections to Dating Only Christians
A.Evangelism through dating
B.Socializing with non-Christians
C.The role of divine guidance in relationships
IV.The Importance of Personal Development
A.Being the right person
B.Recognizing that no one can fulfill all needs
V.Conclusion
A.The role of the Christian community in mate selection
B.Final thoughts on dating and relationships

Outline 2

I.Introduction
A.Definition of romance and its significance
B.Distinction between romantic love and infatuation
II.Understanding Dating
C.Purpose of dating: establishing compatibility
D.Importance of emotional, mental, social, and spiritual compatibility
III.Evaluating Relationships
A.Role of group activities, discussions, and evaluations by friends and family
B.Compatibility assessment through personality tests
IV.Biblical Teachings on Relationships
A.Definitions of fornication and sensuality
B.Importance of adhering to biblical standards regarding premarital sex
V.Objectives for Dating
A.Guidelines for selecting partners
B.Emphasis on being the right person versus finding the right person
VI.Objections to Dating Guidelines
A.Common objections from Christians regarding dating non-Christians
B.Addressing misconceptions about dating dynamics
VII.Conclusion
A.Summary of key points
B.Encouragement for thoughtful dating practices

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Multiple-Choice Questions:

1.What is the primary focus of the article?
a.The history of dating
b.Principles of dating from a Christian perspective
c.The psychology of love
d.The impact of technology on relationships

Answer: b

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2.According to the article, what should individuals look for in a potential partner?
a.Wealth and status
b.Shared cultural background
c.Exemplification of the fruit of the Holy Spirit
d.Physical attractiveness

Answer: c

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3.What is one objection to dating only Christians mentioned in the article?
a.Christians are not fun
b.Non-Christians can be good partners
c.Who will evangelize if Christians don’t date non-Christians?
d.Dating is not important

Answer: c

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4.What does the article suggest is essential for personal fulfillment in relationships?
a.Finding the perfect partner
b.Having a strong social life
c.A relationship with Christ
d.Financial stability

Answer: c

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5.How does the article recommend individuals should engage with their Christian community?
a.By avoiding social events
b.By participating in youth activities and mission projects
c.By focusing solely on personal growth
d.By dating only within the community

Answer: b

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6.What is one primary purpose of dating mentioned in the article?
a.To have fun
b.To establish compatibility for marriage
c.To find a temporary partner
d.To avoid loneliness

Answer: b

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7.According to the article, what should individuals focus on while dating?
a.Finding the right person
b.Being the right person
c.Impressing others
d.Following trends

Answer: b

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8.What does the term “fornication” refer to in the context of this article?
a.Emotional infidelity
b.Sexual intercourse prior to marriage
c.Casual dating
d.Long-term relationships

Answer: b

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9.How many times does research suggest people may fall in love before realizing it was infatuation?
a.1-2 times
b.3-4 times
c.5-8 times
d.10-12 times

Answer: c

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10.Which aspect is NOT mentioned as a way to evaluate compatibility?
a.Group activities
b.Personality tests
c.Financial status
d.Family evaluations

Answer: c

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Study Questions:

1.What are the biblical roles mentioned in the article, and how do they influence partner selection?

The article emphasizes the importance of understanding biblical roles in the context of dating and partner selection. The key biblical roles mentioned include:

1.Role of the Husband: The husband is often seen as the leader and provider in the relationship, responsible for loving and respecting his wife. This role is grounded in Ephesians 5:25, which instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church.
2.Role of the Wife: The wife is encouraged to respect and support her husband, as highlighted in Ephesians 5:33. The article references Titus 2:5, which suggests that a wife should love her husband and be a friend to him.

These biblical roles influence partner selection by guiding individuals to seek partners who share similar values and understandings of these roles. When both partners have a clear understanding of their biblical responsibilities, it fosters compatibility and a stronger foundation for a relationship. The article suggests that recognizing and discussing these roles can help individuals determine if they are aligned in their expectations and commitments, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and godly relationship.

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2.How does the author suggest individuals should approach the objections to dating non-Christians?

The author suggests that individuals should approach the objections to dating non-Christians with a thoughtful and biblical perspective. Here are the key points regarding how to address these objections:

1.Evangelism Focus: The author argues that dating should not be viewed as a primary means of evangelism. Instead, Christians are encouraged to evangelize within their own circles, suggesting that it is more appropriate for Christians to engage in outreach with fellow believers rather than seeking romantic relationships with non-Christians.
2.Compatibility Concerns: The author highlights that relationships with non-Christians often lead to a lack of compatibility, particularly in spiritual matters. This can create significant challenges in a relationship, as differing beliefs can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings.
3.Biblical Instruction: The article references 2 Corinthians 6:14, which instructs Christians not to be unequally yoked with non-believers. The author emphasizes that this biblical directive is crucial for maintaining a harmonious and spiritually aligned relationship.
4.Personal Fulfillment: The author points out that pursuing a relationship with a non-Christian may lead to regret and dissatisfaction, as the spiritual needs of a believer may not be met by a non-believer. The focus should be on finding a partner who shares a commitment to Christ, which is essential for a fulfilling relationship.
5.Community Support: The author encourages individuals to engage with their Christian community, which can provide support and opportunities to meet potential partners who share their faith. This communal approach can help alleviate the pressure of finding a partner outside of the Christian faith.

Overall, the author advocates for a careful consideration of the implications of dating non-Christians, urging individuals to prioritize their spiritual well-being and the biblical principles that guide relationships.

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3.In what ways does the article emphasize the importance of personal development in the context of dating?

The article emphasizes the importance of personal development in the context of dating in several key ways:

1.Being the Right Person: The author stresses that before seeking a partner, individuals should focus on becoming the right person themselves. This involves cultivating a strong relationship with Christ, developing character, and embodying the qualities that one would desire in a partner. Personal growth is seen as foundational to forming healthy relationships.
2.Spiritual Maturity: The article highlights the necessity of spiritual maturity in dating. A strong spiritual foundation allows individuals to navigate relationships with wisdom and discernment. The author suggests that a deep love for Christ and a commitment to living out biblical principles are essential for making wise choices in dating.
3.Self-Reflection: The author encourages individuals to engage in self-reflection to understand their own needs, desires, and motivations. This self-awareness helps individuals recognize what they truly seek in a partner and ensures that they are not entering a relationship out of loneliness or desperation.
4.Avoiding Compromise: The article warns against compromising on biblical principles due to emotional needs or societal pressures. Personal development involves understanding one’s worth and not settling for less than what aligns with one’s values and beliefs.
5.Engagement in Community: The author advocates for involvement in Christian community activities, which not only fosters personal growth but also provides opportunities to meet like-minded individuals. Engaging with others who share similar faith commitments can enhance personal development and create a supportive environment for dating.
6.Long-Term Perspective: The article encourages individuals to adopt a long-term perspective on relationships, emphasizing that personal development is an ongoing process. By focusing on growth and maturity, individuals can build a solid foundation for future relationships, rather than rushing into dating without adequate preparation.

Overall, the article underscores that personal development is crucial for establishing healthy, fulfilling relationships that honor God and align with biblical teachings.

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4.What role does the Christian community play in helping individuals find suitable partners?

The Christian community plays a significant role in helping individuals find suitable partners in several ways:

1.Support and Guidance: The community provides emotional and spiritual support, offering guidance on dating and relationships based on biblical principles. This support can help individuals navigate the complexities of dating with wisdom and discernment.
2.Opportunities for Fellowship: The article emphasizes the importance of engaging in activities and events within the Christian community, such as church gatherings, youth groups, and service projects. These settings create opportunities for individuals to meet and interact with potential partners who share their faith and values.
3.Shared Values and Beliefs: Being part of a Christian community ensures that individuals are surrounded by others who have similar convictions about faith, morality, and the roles of husband and wife. This shared foundation can lead to more compatible relationships, as partners are likely to have aligned goals and expectations.
4.Accountability: The Christian community can provide accountability in dating relationships. Friends and mentors within the community can offer insights and feedback, helping individuals to stay true to their values and avoid compromising their beliefs.
5.Encouragement to Grow: The community encourages personal and spiritual growth, which is essential for healthy relationships. Engaging with others who are committed to their faith can inspire individuals to develop their character and deepen their relationship with Christ, making them more prepared for a partnership.
6.Structured Opportunities for Meeting: The article mentions that churches and Christian organizations can create structured opportunities for singles to meet, such as retreats, social events, and group activities. These environments facilitate connections in a safe and supportive context.
7.Mentorship and Role Models: The presence of mature Christian couples within the community can serve as role models for younger individuals. Observing healthy, godly relationships can provide valuable lessons and insights into what a Christ-centered partnership looks like.

In summary, the Christian community serves as a vital resource for individuals seeking suitable partners by providing support, opportunities for fellowship, shared values, accountability, encouragement for personal growth, structured meeting opportunities, and mentorship. This communal aspect helps individuals to find partners who align with their faith and life goals, ultimately fostering healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

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5.How does the article differentiate between romantic love and the fulfillment that comes from a relationship with Christ?

The article differentiates between romantic love and the fulfillment that comes from a relationship with Christ in several key ways:

1.Source of Fulfillment: The author emphasizes that true fulfillment ultimately comes from a relationship with Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, rather than from romantic relationships. While romantic love can bring joy and companionship, it cannot provide the deep, lasting fulfillment that comes from a personal relationship with God.
2.Limitations of Romantic Love: The article points out that romantic love, while significant, is inherently limited. It can lead to emotional highs and lows, and individuals may find that their expectations for fulfillment from a partner can lead to disappointment. The author warns that relying on another person to meet all emotional and spiritual needs is unrealistic, as all individuals are flawed and sinful.
3.Joy and Peace from Christ: The fulfillment that comes from Christ is described as a source of joy, peace, and stability that transcends the ups and downs of romantic relationships. The author notes that the fruit of the Holy Spirit—such as love, joy, and peace—provides a deeper sense of contentment that cannot be replicated by human relationships.
4.Expectation Management: The article encourages individuals to manage their expectations in romantic relationships. It highlights that while a partner can contribute to happiness, they cannot fulfill all needs. Understanding this distinction helps individuals approach relationships with a healthier mindset, recognizing that their ultimate fulfillment should come from their relationship with Christ.
5.Spiritual Growth: The author suggests that a strong relationship with Christ fosters personal growth, which can enhance romantic relationships. When individuals are grounded in their faith, they are better equipped to love and support their partners, leading to healthier dynamics. This spiritual foundation is essential for navigating the challenges that arise in romantic love.
6.Temporary vs. Eternal: The article contrasts the temporary nature of romantic love with the eternal nature of the fulfillment found in Christ. Romantic relationships may change or end, but the relationship with Christ offers a constant source of hope and fulfillment that endures beyond earthly relationships.

In summary, the article underscores that while romantic love can be meaningful and enjoyable, it is not a substitute for the deep, abiding fulfillment that comes from a relationship with Christ. This distinction encourages individuals to seek their ultimate satisfaction in their faith, which can positively influence their romantic relationships.

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6.What are the key differences between romantic love and infatuation as discussed in the article?

The key differences between romantic love and infatuation, as discussed in the article, center on emotional depth and long-term viability. Romantic love is characterized by a deep, genuine connection that includes emotional, mental, social, and spiritual compatibility. It often develops over time and involves a mutual understanding and commitment between partners. In contrast, infatuation is typically marked by intense but superficial feelings that can lead to an overwhelming sense of attraction without a solid foundation for a lasting relationship. The article notes that individuals often mistake infatuation for love during the experience, believing they are in love when they are actually experiencing a fleeting passion. Research indicates that people may fall in love multiple times before recognizing these feelings as infatuation rather than true love, emphasizing the importance of distinguishing between the two to avoid potential heartache in dating relationships.

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7.How does the author suggest individuals assess their compatibility with potential partners?

The author suggests that individuals assess their compatibility with potential partners through several key methods:

1. Group Activities: Engaging in group activities rather than isolated dates allows individuals to observe how they and their potential partner interact in a social setting, which can reveal compatibility in personality and interests.

2. Extensive Discussions: Open and honest conversations about values, beliefs, and life goals help partners understand each other’s perspectives and emotional compatibility.

3. Conflict Resolution: Observing how both individuals handle conflicts can provide insight into their emotional maturity and compatibility in stressful situations.

4. Family Evaluations: The author emphasizes the importance of family input, suggesting that family members often have a vested interest in the individual’s happiness and can offer valuable perspectives on the relationship.

5. Friends’ Evaluations: Friends can provide insights based on their understanding of the individual’s personality and habits, helping to identify any potential red flags in the relationship.

6. Personality Tests: Utilizing personality assessments can help partners understand their compatibility on a deeper psychological level.

These methods collectively aim to establish whether individuals are compatible emotionally, mentally, socially, and spiritually, which is crucial for determining the potential for a lasting relationship.

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8.What biblical principles regarding premarital relationships are highlighted in the article?

The article highlights several biblical principles regarding premarital relationships, emphasizing the importance of adhering to scriptural teachings. Key points include:

1. Fornication: The article defines fornication as engaging in sexual intercourse prior to marriage, which is explicitly labeled as sin in the Bible. It underscores that sexual relations are only appropriate within the confines of marriage, where God approves of the union.

2. Lasciviousness/Sensuality: The author discusses the concept of lasciviousness, which involves inciting lust or engaging in behaviors that provoke sexual desire without actual intercourse. Such actions are also considered sinful and can lead to spiritual consequences.

3. Grieving the Holy Spirit: Engaging in premarital sex or sensual behaviors can grieve the Holy Spirit, resulting in a loss of spiritual fellowship and joy. The article stresses that Christians should not justify their behavior based on feelings of love, as this does not align with biblical standards.

4. Self-Justification: The author warns against self-justification, where individuals rationalize their actions contrary to biblical teachings. This mindset can lead to spiritual complacency and a disconnect from God’s standards.

5. Importance of Commitment: The article emphasizes that individuals should date with the intention of establishing compatibility for marriage, focusing on being the right person rather than merely finding the right partner. This commitment aligns with biblical teachings about relationships and marriage.

Overall, the article advocates for a dating approach that respects biblical principles, prioritizing spiritual alignment and personal integrity over societal norms or temporary feelings.

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9.Why does the author emphasize the role of family and friends in evaluating relationships?

The author emphasizes the role of family and friends in evaluating relationships for several important reasons:

1. Objective Perspective: Family and friends can provide an outside perspective that may be more objective than the individuals involved in the relationship. Their insights can help identify potential red flags or compatibility issues that the couple might overlook due to emotional involvement.

2. Understanding of Values: Family members and close friends often share similar values and beliefs, particularly in a Christian context. Their evaluations can help ensure that the relationship aligns with these shared values, which is crucial for long-term compatibility.

3. Support System: Involving family and friends in the evaluation process fosters a supportive environment. Their approval and support can contribute positively to the relationship, while their concerns can serve as important warnings.

4. Experience and Wisdom: Older family members and friends may have more life experience and wisdom regarding relationships. They can offer valuable advice based on their own experiences, helping younger individuals navigate potential challenges.

5. Accountability: Family and friends can provide accountability, encouraging individuals to adhere to their values and avoid behaviors that may lead to spiritual or emotional harm. This accountability is particularly significant in maintaining biblical standards regarding dating and relationships.

By highlighting these roles, the author underscores the importance of a communal approach to dating, where the input of trusted loved ones contributes to making informed and spiritually aligned decisions about relationships.

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10.What are some common objections Christians have about dating non-Christians, according to the article?

According to the article, common objections that Christians have about dating non-Christians include:

1. Biblical Commandments: Many Christians reference biblical teachings that advise against being unequally yoked, which means forming close relationships with those who do not share the same faith. This principle is often cited as a foundational reason for avoiding dating non-Christians.

2. Spiritual Differences: There is a concern that differing beliefs can lead to significant spiritual conflicts and challenges in the relationship. Christians worry that a non-Christian partner may not understand or support their faith, potentially leading to friction in shared values and life goals.

3. Influence on Faith: Christians fear that dating a non-Christian could negatively influence their own faith and spiritual practices. The concern is that being in a relationship with someone who does not share their beliefs may weaken their commitment to their faith and lead them away from Christian teachings.

4. Family and Community Expectations: There is often pressure from family and church communities to date within the faith. Christians may feel obligated to adhere to these expectations to maintain harmony within their social and familial circles.

5. Long-term Relationship Viability: Many Christians believe that relationships between believers and non-believers are less likely to succeed in the long term due to fundamental differences in life priorities, values, and moral frameworks.

These objections reflect a broader concern about maintaining spiritual integrity and aligning one’s romantic relationships with their faith commitments.

To see all the lessons for Friendship, Dating, and Marriage click here.

  1. Romance
  2. Why And What Of Dating
  3. Who Of Dating
  4. When And Where Of Dating due by 12/8
  5. How Of Dating
My Church, My Family

2 Friendship, Dating, and Marriage

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Why And What Of Dating

The lesson “Why And What Of Dating” discusses the complexities and purposes of dating in contemporary culture, emphasizing the search for compatibility as a precursor to marriage. The author argues that while many engage in dating for various reasons—such as social acceptance, infatuation, or even sexual encounters—the primary goal should be to assess emotional, mental, social, and spiritual compatibility. The piece highlights that true understanding of a partner requires time and shared experiences rather than superficial interactions. It also stresses the importance of engaging in group activities and meaningful conversations to facilitate deeper knowledge of one another’s personalities.

Here is a list of questions this lesson will answer:

The Lesson

Outline

I.Introduction to Dating
A.Definition and significance of dating
B.Emotional experiences involved in dating
II.Compatibility Assessment
A.Dimensions of compatibility: emotional, mental, social, spiritual
B.Importance of understanding oneself and the partner
III.Role of Parents in Dating
A.Traditional views on parental involvement
B.Insights from parents based on experience
IV.Communication in Relationships
A.Importance of open discussions
B.Timing and appropriateness of sharing past experiences
C.Questions to consider about a partner’s personality
V.Methods of Discovering Compatibility
A.Group activities vs. spectator events
B.Benefits of group settings for character observation
C.Balancing personal sharing with caution
VI.Conclusion
A.Summary of key points
B.Final thoughts on the dating process

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Study

Multiple-Choice Questions

1.What is the primary purpose of dating according to the lesson?
A.To have fun
B.To assess compatibility for long-term relationships
C.To meet new people
D.To avoid loneliness

Answer: B

2.Which dimension is NOT mentioned as part of compatibility in the dating process?
A.Emotional
B.Financial
C.Social
D.Spiritual

Answer: B

3.What does the lesson suggest about the role of parents in dating?
A.They should choose partners for their children
B.They have no influence on dating choices
C.They can provide valuable insights based on experience
D.They should be completely uninvolved

Answer: C

4.According to the lesson, when is it appropriate to discuss past experiences in a relationship?
A.During the first date
B.Early in the dating period
C.Before engagement
D.After marriage

Answer: C

5.What is one benefit of participating in group activities while dating?
A.It allows for more romantic moments
B.It helps to observe character in a relaxed environment
C.It reduces the pressure of one-on-one interactions
D.It ensures that both partners are entertained
E.Answer: B

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6.What is the main purpose of dating according to the lesson?
A.To find a perfect partner
B.To establish compatibility for potential marriage
C.To socialize with friends
D.To engage in casual encounters

Answer: B

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7.Which aspect is NOT mentioned as a factor in determining compatibility?
A.Emotional
B.Financial
C.Mental
D.Spiritual

Answer: B

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8.What type of activities does the author recommend for better understanding a partner?
A.Spectator sports
B.Group activities
C.Solo outings
D.Online chats

Answer: B

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9.According to the lesson, what should individuals be cautious about when discussing their pasts?
A.Revealing too much too soon
B.Discussing family history
C.Talking about hobbies
D.Sharing future goals

Answer: A

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10.The lesson suggests that many people date primarily for:
A.Finding true love
B.Establishing social status
C.Seeking sexual encounters
D.All of the above
E.Answer: D

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Study Questions

1.What are the four dimensions of compatibility discussed in the lesson, and why are they important?
 

The four dimensions of compatibility discussed in the lesson are emotional, mental, social, and spiritual compatibility.

1.Emotional Compatibility: This dimension involves understanding each other’s emotional responses, stability, and how partners handle feelings and conflicts. It is important because emotional alignment can lead to a supportive and nurturing relationship.
2.Mental Compatibility: This refers to the intellectual connection between partners, including shared values, beliefs, and goals. It is crucial as it fosters meaningful conversations and mutual respect for each other’s perspectives.
3.Social Compatibility: This dimension encompasses how partners interact with others and their social circles, including family and friends. It is important because social dynamics can significantly impact the relationship, influencing how partners support each other in various social settings.
4.Spiritual Compatibility: This involves shared beliefs and values regarding spirituality or religion. It is important because it can affect major life decisions and the overall direction of the relationship, providing a common foundation for partners.

Understanding these dimensions is vital for assessing compatibility, as they help individuals determine whether they can build a lasting and fulfilling relationship together.

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2.How does the lesson suggest parents can influence their children’s dating choices?
 

The lesson suggests that parents can influence their children’s dating choices by providing valuable insights and evaluations based on their own experiences. It emphasizes that parents are not out to ruin their children’s enjoyment of dating; rather, they possess a wealth of wisdom that can guide their children in making informed decisions.

Parents can observe potential partners and offer feedback, which can help their children recognize qualities that may not be immediately apparent. The lesson highlights that young people often underestimate their parents’ understanding and knowledge, suggesting that as children mature, they may come to appreciate their parents’ perspectives more. This parental guidance can play a crucial role in helping children navigate the complexities of dating and relationships, ultimately leading to healthier choices.

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3.What role does communication play in establishing a successful dating relationship?
 

Communication plays a critical role in establishing a successful dating relationship, as highlighted in the lesson. Here are several key aspects of its importance:

1.Open Discussions: Effective communication allows partners to share their thoughts, feelings, and expectations openly. This transparency helps build trust and understanding, which are foundational for a healthy relationship.
2.Conflict Resolution: Good communication skills enable partners to address conflicts and disagreements constructively. By discussing issues openly, couples can work through challenges together rather than allowing misunderstandings to fester.
3.Understanding Each Other: Through communication, partners can learn about each other’s backgrounds, values, and experiences. This understanding is essential for assessing compatibility and ensuring that both individuals are on the same page regarding their relationship goals.
4.Timing and Appropriateness: The lesson emphasizes the importance of knowing when to share certain information, such as past experiences. Effective communication involves not only what is said but also how and when it is conveyed, ensuring that discussions are appropriate for the stage of the relationship.
5.Building Emotional Intimacy: Regular and meaningful communication fosters emotional closeness between partners. Sharing personal thoughts and feelings can deepen the bond and enhance the overall connection in the relationship.

In summary, communication is vital for fostering trust, resolving conflicts, understanding each other, and building emotional intimacy, all of which contribute to the success and longevity of a dating relationship.

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4.Why does the lesson advocate for group activities over isolated dates?
 

The lesson advocates for group activities over isolated dates for several reasons:

1.Character Observation: Group activities provide an opportunity to observe a partner’s character in a more relaxed and natural setting. This allows individuals to see how their potential partner interacts with others, which can reveal important traits and behaviors that may not be apparent during one-on-one interactions.
2.Reduced Pressure: Engaging in group activities can alleviate the pressure that often accompanies isolated dates. This environment allows individuals to be themselves without the intensity of a romantic setting, making it easier to gauge compatibility.
3.Social Dynamics: Group settings enable participants to witness how their partner navigates social dynamics, including their ability to communicate, collaborate, and engage with others. This can provide insights into their social skills and compatibility in broader social contexts.
4.Shared Experiences: Participating in group activities can create shared experiences that strengthen bonds and foster camaraderie. These experiences can serve as a foundation for deeper connections and discussions later on.
5.Exploration of Interests: Group activities often involve various interests and hobbies, allowing individuals to discover common interests with their partner. This exploration can enhance the relationship by providing topics for conversation and shared enjoyment.

Overall, the lesson suggests that group activities can lead to a more comprehensive understanding of a partner’s personality and compatibility, making them a valuable approach in the dating process.

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5.How should individuals approach discussing their past experiences in the context of dating?
 

The lesson outlines several important guidelines for individuals when discussing their past experiences in the context of dating:

1.Timing: It is crucial to consider the timing of such discussions. The lesson suggests that individuals should avoid revealing past problems or experiences during the early dating period, as this may be premature and could overwhelm the other person. Instead, these conversations should be reserved for the “going steady” or courtship period when the relationship is becoming more serious.
2.Responsibility to Confess: The responsibility for disclosing past behaviors should ideally fall on the individual during the courtship phase, particularly when marriage is being considered. This ensures that both partners are aware of significant aspects of each other’s lives before making long-term commitments.
3.Avoiding Deception: It is important not to wait until after engagement or marriage to disclose past experiences, as this could lead to feelings of deception. Transparency is key to building trust in the relationship.
4.Voluntary Disclosure: The lesson suggests that partners should wait for each other to voluntarily share their past experiences rather than prying or snooping. This approach respects personal boundaries and fosters a more open and trusting dialogue.
5.Consideration of Impact: Individuals should reflect on whether sharing certain past experiences will enhance or detract from the relationship. They should ask themselves if their partner would be happier knowing the details and if discussing these experiences is necessary for the relationship’s health.
6.Focus on Significant Issues: Certain past experiences, such as previous relationships, health issues, or significant life events, should be disclosed before engagement. These are critical factors that can impact the future of the relationship and should be addressed openly.

By following these guidelines, individuals can approach discussions about their past experiences thoughtfully and respectfully, contributing to a healthier and more transparent dating relationship.

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6.What are the primary reasons people engage in dating according to the lesson?
 

The primary reasons people engage in dating, as outlined in the lesson, include:

1. Establishing Compatibility: The main purpose of dating is to assess potential compatibility with a partner, which could lead to marriage.

2. Casual Social Interaction: Some individuals date casually for socializing and personality development without the intention of forming a serious relationship.

3. Sexual Encounters: There are those who date primarily for sexual experiences rather than seeking emotional or relational connections.

4. Social Acceptance: Dating can serve as a means of gaining social acceptance, particularly among peers, as being coupled can enhance one’s social standing.

5. Escaping Home Environment: Some people date to escape their home situations, seeking attention or companionship outside their family dynamics.

These motivations reflect a range of intentions from serious relationship building to casual social engagement and personal needs.

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7.How does the author differentiate between casual dating and serious dating?
 

The author differentiates between casual dating and serious dating by outlining their distinct purposes and emotional engagements:

Casual Dating: This form of dating is characterized by a more relaxed approach, where individuals seek social interaction and enjoyment without the expectation of forming a deep emotional bond. Casual dating often involves fun outings and friendships, allowing individuals to explore their personalities and develop social skills without commitment. It is described as a way to socialize and have fun, often without compromise or the pressure of seeking a long-term relationship.

Serious Dating: In contrast, serious dating is focused on establishing compatibility that could lead to marriage. The author emphasizes that serious dating involves a deeper exploration of emotional, mental, social, and spiritual compatibility between partners. Individuals engaged in serious dating are typically more invested in understanding each other’s values, goals, and personalities with the intention of assessing whether they could be compatible long-term.

The author notes that while casual dating can sometimes lead to deeper feelings or realizations about compatibility, it generally lacks the commitment and intentionality found in serious dating.

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8.Why is it important to understand both emotional and spiritual compatibility in a relationship?
 

Understanding both emotional and spiritual compatibility in a relationship is crucial for several reasons:

Foundation for Connection: Emotional compatibility ensures that partners can connect on a deeper level, sharing feelings, thoughts, and experiences in a way that fosters intimacy and understanding. It helps partners navigate conflicts and support each other during challenging times, creating a stable emotional environment.

Shared Values and Beliefs: Spiritual compatibility often reflects shared values, beliefs, and life goals. When partners align spiritually, they are more likely to have a unified approach to significant life decisions, such as family planning, moral values, and community involvement. This shared foundation can strengthen the relationship over time.

Long-Term Relationship Success: Both emotional and spiritual compatibility contribute to the overall health of the relationship. They help partners understand each other’s needs and perspectives, facilitating effective communication and reducing misunderstandings. This understanding is vital for long-term commitment and satisfaction in the relationship.

Personal Growth: A relationship that nurtures emotional and spiritual compatibility encourages personal growth for both partners. They can challenge each other to grow individually while supporting one another’s journeys, leading to a more fulfilling partnership.

Conflict Resolution: Understanding each other’s emotional responses and spiritual beliefs can enhance conflict resolution strategies. Partners who are emotionally attuned are better equipped to address disagreements constructively, while shared spiritual values can provide a framework for resolving differences with compassion and respect.

In summary, emotional and spiritual compatibility are integral to building a strong, lasting relationship that supports both partners’ growth and mutual understanding.

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9.What methods does the lesson suggest for discovering compatibility with a partner?
 

The lesson suggests several methods for discovering compatibility with a partner, emphasizing the importance of engaging in activities and discussions that reveal personal characteristics:

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1. Group Activities: Engaging in group activities rather than spectator events allows individuals to observe each other’s personalities in a more interactive setting. This approach helps partners see how they react in social situations, revealing traits such as whether they are relaxed or tense, optimistic or pessimistic, and how they interact with others.

2. Extensive Discussions: Having meaningful conversations is crucial for understanding a partner’s values, goals, and life experiences. Topics to discuss include interests, educational and occupational aspirations, family views, expectations of marriage, and significant life influences. This dialogue helps partners gauge emotional and spiritual compatibility.

3. Observing Behavior: Through shared experiences in various settings, individuals can observe their partner’s behavior in real-time. This includes assessing how they handle stress, interact with friends or family, and respond to different situations, which provides insight into their emotional and social compatibility.

4. Assessing Spiritual Alignment: For those who prioritize spiritual compatibility, discussions about faith and values are essential. Partners should explore each other’s commitment to their beliefs and how those beliefs influence their daily lives and relationships.

5. Caution in Disclosure: While open communication is important, the lesson advises caution regarding how much personal history to reveal early on. It suggests balancing honesty with the need to build trust gradually without overwhelming the other person with too much information too soon.

These methods collectively facilitate a deeper understanding of each partner’s personality and values, aiding in the assessment of long-term compatibility.

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10.How does the author address the myth of perfect compatibility in relationships?
 

The author addresses the myth of perfect compatibility in relationships by emphasizing that no two people are ever fully compatible. He argues that the notion of seeking someone who is “totally compatible” is unrealistic and has been perpetuated by divorce lawyers, creating a misleading expectation in dating culture. Instead, the author suggests that individuals should aim to find someone who is “the least incompatible,” acknowledging that every relationship will have its challenges and differences.

He clarifies that while it is natural to hope for harmony and connection, the idea of perfect compatibility is a myth. The author stresses that both partners will have their imperfections and that successful relationships are built on understanding and accepting these differences rather than expecting complete alignment in every aspect. This perspective encourages a more realistic approach to dating, focusing on the potential for growth and compromise rather than an unattainable ideal of perfection.

To see all the lessons for Friendship, Dating, and Marriage click here.

  1. Romance
  2. Why And What Of Dating
  3. Who Of Dating
  4. When And Where Of Dating due by 12/8
  5. How Of Dating